mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My cat gives me a boner
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
