i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
