My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
