She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
