she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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