she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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