Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
