we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
