i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
