my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
