Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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