im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
