Can Purell be used as lube?
there's paper in my vomit.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
