Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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