i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
