Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
