Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
