a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
