I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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