I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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