A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
