Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
