what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
