the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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