so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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