New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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