My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
