I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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