what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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