Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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