got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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