so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
