I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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