woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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