I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
