Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
