Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
