While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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