its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
