I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
