upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Hippo gnu deer
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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