There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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