areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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