Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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