guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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