dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
