We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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