we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
