He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
