the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
