can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
