Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
