last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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