My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
