She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My vagina is officially offended.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
