dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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